I know I usally bitch about stuff, so this should be nice change up for you. It’s been a slow workday but a fantastic newsday. So fantastic that I have literally been “lol-ing” so hard that I imagine my neighbors think I have a emphysema….oh well, I don’t talk to them much anyway.
First up, man in NEBRASKA (I knew this state had perks) assaults wife with a sandwich. Now, I don’t know if the ID channel will pick this one up for a new episode of “Who the BLEEP did I marry”, but I am going to write a lengthly letter suggesting they do so. Now, like all serious crimes such as assualt with a deadly weapon, murder, etc. careful examination of the crime scene is clutch. And here is what the police released, ” The newspaper says court documents don’t detail the ingredients, but a deputy found several pieces of lunchmeat on the carpet outside a bedroom and some pieces of bread in the bedroom.” HAHAHAHAHA. Well damn, if the salami don’t fit you must aquit!!! Also, I find the fact that the officers could not or did not bother to identify the lunch meat was just careless. For example, what if that lunch meat had Salmonella or E.coli? You could trump the charges up to assault with a ‘deadly’ weapon!!! AND what about condiments? Like what if this guy was a known mayonnaise hater yet, there were traces of mayo on the sandwich, thereby PROVING the wife set him up with her own sandwich. I look forward to following this case with glee, and I hope to see some pictures of our perpretrator who I will lovingly dub “the Sandwhich Smasher”.
Next up we have the farmer who went to feed his hogs and never came back. All that were left was “body parts” and his dentures. I would like to point out that this man was caring for a large number of pigs who were greater than 700lbs….pigs are cool, but remember, pigs, having been enslaved and repressed for many years, not to mention used as food (gasp!) are smart creatures ripe for revenge. Did farmer Bob have a heart attack and then fall victim to natural omnivorous pig behavior? Or did he fall victim to what we might call a hate crime? He was obviously targeted by a separate race who, for obvious reasons would hate this human man, and one day they had enough. I like to call this a little bit of porcine poetry….who’s eating who now Bob?
Last, but so not least, is the gentleman in Washington who shot a gun through the drive thru window. Now, any of you who live in Omaha, NE or Greenwood, SC may feel sympathy for this man. I have oftentimes comtemplated the .357 in my glove box by minute 16 at local “fast food” joints as well. But what makes this story even better is how it all went down. Dude drives up to the window with music blaring (which obviously his mother taught him no bumpin’ manners….you always turn it down for cops, fast food, or pre-robbery). The ballsy worker had the nerve to ask him to turn down the radio so he could hear what the dude was asking. Dude then proceeds to ask for ranch sauce (in my head this is how I hear it, “Yo foo’ gets me sum o dat bangin’ ranch sauce!”) and then BAM whips out a gun and shoots up the place!!!! It did not specify if the gentleman got his ranch sauce. I would like to dub this “The Burger Banger”. Happily, no one was physically injured, but I imagine that the drive through worker will never ask a patron to turn down the music again..