Virginia Does Nebraska

Tales from an opinionated Red Head

Dear Todd Akin August 20, 2012

Filed under: Likes and Dislikes — virginiadoesnebraska @ 10:29 PM
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Dear Todd Akin,

Thank you for reversing humanity a thousand years. Thank you for spreading the word that women are evil, and trying to make the point that we could stop a pregnancy from happening from a “legitimate” rape or by association an “oops” moment. That would mean that every time a woman became prego she must have wished upon a magic star to do so, or else she could have turned that “he wasn’t a good enough genetic donor” button and immediately not conceived. I can’t spend much time on this issue or else I will be screaming profanities….oh wait, congrats, you are the first person I am willing to say this to in print, “go fuck yourself”. And yes, you can quote me on that. People like you should be living in the dark ages and crying “she turned me into a newt! I got better….”.

I know the people in good ole Mizzou, and they’ll never accept a witch doctor, fear mongering, idiot like you. So go ahead, don’t pull out (no pun intended) and let the numbers prove to you that we may all have polarized views on issues, but no one can back this ridiculous view except for your idiot cult members.

Love,
Someone who hopes, even though you are deplorable, that you never experience an illegitimate or legitimate rape.

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The Zombie Apocalypse, and other non humans in the news July 3, 2012

Filed under: Likes and Dislikes — virginiadoesnebraska @ 12:54 PM
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Zombies?  Well I sure hope so.  I feel like I am adequately prepared to battle these kinds of zombies.  You know, the homeless naked ones.  Between kickboxing classes, my love and study of horror flicks, and my questionable urge to shoot things, I should have a fighting chance.  Recently a small pet fell victim to our latest Zombie, and I find that made me more upset than when people got eaten…hmm….Zombies aside, (we will just continue to monitor their ranks and activities) there are a few other non humans in the news this week that I would like to address.

–Some city in Oregan: (name not worthy of reprinting) This non human has canceled the fireworks display due to the threat of disturbing birds.  Really?  Are these birds golden geese?  No, just some lame seabird that’s not even endangered.  Here’s a few other things that disturb tweeties that we don’t seem to care about:  airports and airplanes, turkey season, chicken nuggets, glass windows, nascar, deforestation, plastic six pack rings, alkaseltzer or poprocks….just pointing out the idiocy of ruining a national past time for birds.

–Crazy Scientology Katie Holmes Stalker: (probably really a non human of alien stock)  So our girl Joey finally decided to get away from Theton Six (or whatever) Cruise, good for her! But now there is some alien stalking her in the name of scientology.  Apparently poor thing is scared that Tom and his minions might try and snag Suri.  Somehow, I doubt her fears are unfounded.  But you gotta give these guys credit.  They base their whole existence on mythology that was wait, written by a SCIENCE FICTION author, that’s ballsy.  I think it’s hard enough for most people to try and explain, “so there’s a dude in the sky who see’s everything and created this whole planet in 7 days, yada yada” but can you imagine trying to tell the story of Scientology with a straight face? (please reference the brilliant South Park episode breaking it down).  So I’m rooting for Katie.

–Italian Dad kicks kid in the face: (aren’t all eurpeans non human?) Well this guy gets father of the year award.  Where better to beat the crap out of your kid than the Epcot center??  I myself might’ve chosen the Magic Kingdom if only for the irony.  Epcot is the nerdier part of Disney with way less cool rides.  So I can imagine that this kid might have been whining (like I did as a kid) that Epcot sucks.  Perhaps dad was pissed off at the ride inside the golf ball thing that really missed the mark on predicting our future. I know I was super let down when 2012 hit and I didn’t get a rocket pack.  But under no circumstances should you kick your kid in the face, EVER, especially while at the happiest place on earth.  That poor kid will be scarred for life.  Thanks Dad.

–US apologizes to Pakistan for drone strike:  Wait, wait, wait a second.  Have they apologized for the whole Bin Laden fiasco?  Me thinks not.  When did we lose our cajones America?  We are such politically correct lame-asses nowadays.  “Well Pakistan, I know that you secretly hate us, hid our number one enemy, and will turn on us the second that someone (ahem Iran) offers you a sweeter deal, but man, we are sooooooooooo sorry we wiped out 24 whole people, whoopsy, our bad!  Can we still sit with you at lunch??”  I’m pretty sure that kid is called a sissy on the playground.  Whatever, this topic makes me want to barf.

In summary, cheers to our non humans of the week for seriously flawed yet amusing decision making.

 

Communist New York City…… May 31, 2012

Filed under: Likes and Dislikes — virginiadoesnebraska @ 10:42 AM
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I knew I couldn’t make it to Friday without some sort of outrage….There are certain things that I personally believe the government has no say over and they are as follows:

1. MY body and reproductive systems (that’s between me and my maker)

2. My food and drink consumption (that’s between me and my self esteem)

I mean really NYC (Bloomberg), you are going to outlaw sugary sodas (which btw, I heart Diet Coke) more than 16oz in the name of saving your fair citizens from obesity?  Banning delicious trans fat was bad enough, who are you???  There is nothing else in NYC that is dangerous to the health of your citizens? 

I thought communist China was bad enough, but this kind of big brother gov’t attitude is too much.  I seem to remember a certain group of people who got on a boat and braved a new world to get away from pompous all knowing jack asses, and I’m sure they would roll over in their graves if they could see what we Americans have turned into.  A nation of under educated babies who need dada to tell them what to eat or drink.

 

Top 5 Stupid People in the news…and it’s only Wednesday. May 23, 2012

Stupid people…they’re everywhere.  But sometimes you just have to call them out by name.  I have lovingly chosen my personal top 5 dummies of the week.

1. Facebook overnight millionaires-Sure you are actually really smart and now you are million/billionaires…But there is a reason why they call in noveau riche, and that’s dumb spending.  Home prices in Palo Alto are soaring and people are paying more than the asking prices and actually advertising themselves to sellers…STUPID.  And the whole part about being “worth” a certain amount of stock $ means that you don’t actually have that money in cold hard cash.  And damn, they are already being investigated (JP Morgan, the bank hadling the IPO) by the SEC and sued by shareholders and it’s only been a week!!! I wouldn’t be paying 600,000$ over the pricetag for a house just yet.

2. China-China is one of my favorite kids to pick on.  Exploding watermelons, Clenbuterol in pork, melamine, and now….a 2 fly rule.  Yes, China has regulated that there shall only be 2 flies per stall in their publice restrooms (Bejiing).  Now I’m no international regulatory expert (oh wait, yes I am) but where does one get the #2?  How do you monitor this?  Do you have the death penalty for the attendant that fails to keep it from more than 2 flies?  Do you have nothing better to worry about like women’s rights, abandoned children, and sketchy food producers? STUPID

3. The Obama administration-Ok, this one’s good.  The administration and the CIA provided information for a MOVIE regarding the Usama Bin Laden crusade, and now people in Pakistan that helped the CIA are getting arrested and thrown in jail for treason.  All in the name of Hollywood.  STUPID.  Better be a damned good movie.

4. The masses-are we all really suprised that the secret service dudes get it on with chicks and pay for it?  I mean really, they travel 24/7, have a super secret job, when do they have time for small talk?  Give the guys a break.  Caring about what other people do for kicks, STUPID. 

5. School Administrators with no sense of humor-suspending seniors for a mass bike ride to school?  Oh the horrors!!!  Yes, at 18 years of age and the ability to vote, a bike ride is what you are worried about.  They are about to go off to college where they will binge drink, eat poorly, and make bad life decisions with at least 2 partners, and you are worried about a mass bike ride. STUPID!!!!

 

Meet Virginia May 15, 2012

Filed under: Likes and Dislikes — virginiadoesnebraska @ 4:04 PM
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Hello Nebraska, I’m Virginia. 

It’s been 3 months since I ventured to the wilds of Omaha from the dirty south and I thought that I would fill you in on my opinion on what I have found during my time here.  I think I will break it down by likes and dislikes and then maybe I will elaborate on a select few…..first up, DISLIKES:

DISLIKES:

  1. Omaha Drivers:  I have never come across a mass of people in one place that can’t drive AT ALL.  Everyone actually goes below the lame ass 60 mph speed limit on the highway which makes merging impossible.  In fact every single day I drive home, a simple curve with 3 lanes merging turns into a stop sign because these people are ra’tards.  Also, if it’s sunny everyone drives 40 mph, if it’s raining everyone drives 40 mph, if there is atree on the side fo the road with a plastic bag stuck in it everyone drives 40.  Omaha driving skills are unacceptable.
  2. The never ending wind: Who the hell new the midwest is windy all year round??  Probably a midwesterner, but not this southern girl.  Wear flowy skirts at your own risk.
  3. Lack of Chick-Fil-A and Waffle House. Need I say more? (yes I know there is some dinky Chick-fil-a in the Mutual of Omaha building, but that’s a pain in the ass to get to).
  4. Way too much Pepsi, not enough Diet Coke (forever to be lovingly dubbed DC)
  5. No SEC football.  I guess it’s not your fault that you are part of a lame ass conference Nebraska.
  6. Omaha drivers: I hate them so much they get 2 spots.
  7. The fact that you have to have a license plate on the front of your car too.  Very inconvenient for those with out a plate holder on the front.

LIKES:

  1. Booze on Sundays:  This has eliminated much stress on a Saturday night.  No longer must we stash our “Sunday Beer” because this great state sells on Sundays. Amen.
  2. Booze in Gas Stations and Walgreens:  So weird to see Jack and Jim on the beverage aisles.
  3. Steak: An abundance of delicious cow at reasonable prices.
  4. That I’m surrounded by inferior college football teams
  5. ????????????????

Well here’s to hoping that I can add a little more to this list as I continue to explore Nebraska.