Zombies? Well I sure hope so. I feel like I am adequately prepared to battle these kinds of zombies. You know, the homeless naked ones. Between kickboxing classes, my love and study of horror flicks, and my questionable urge to shoot things, I should have a fighting chance. Recently a small pet fell victim to our latest Zombie, and I find that made me more upset than when people got eaten…hmm….Zombies aside, (we will just continue to monitor their ranks and activities) there are a few other non humans in the news this week that I would like to address.
–Some city in Oregan: (name not worthy of reprinting) This non human has canceled the fireworks display due to the threat of disturbing birds. Really? Are these birds golden geese? No, just some lame seabird that’s not even endangered. Here’s a few other things that disturb tweeties that we don’t seem to care about: airports and airplanes, turkey season, chicken nuggets, glass windows, nascar, deforestation, plastic six pack rings, alkaseltzer or poprocks….just pointing out the idiocy of ruining a national past time for birds.
–Crazy Scientology Katie Holmes Stalker: (probably really a non human of alien stock) So our girl Joey finally decided to get away from Theton Six (or whatever) Cruise, good for her! But now there is some alien stalking her in the name of scientology. Apparently poor thing is scared that Tom and his minions might try and snag Suri. Somehow, I doubt her fears are unfounded. But you gotta give these guys credit. They base their whole existence on mythology that was wait, written by a SCIENCE FICTION author, that’s ballsy. I think it’s hard enough for most people to try and explain, “so there’s a dude in the sky who see’s everything and created this whole planet in 7 days, yada yada” but can you imagine trying to tell the story of Scientology with a straight face? (please reference the brilliant South Park episode breaking it down). So I’m rooting for Katie.
–Italian Dad kicks kid in the face: (aren’t all eurpeans non human?) Well this guy gets father of the year award. Where better to beat the crap out of your kid than the Epcot center?? I myself might’ve chosen the Magic Kingdom if only for the irony. Epcot is the nerdier part of Disney with way less cool rides. So I can imagine that this kid might have been whining (like I did as a kid) that Epcot sucks. Perhaps dad was pissed off at the ride inside the golf ball thing that really missed the mark on predicting our future. I know I was super let down when 2012 hit and I didn’t get a rocket pack. But under no circumstances should you kick your kid in the face, EVER, especially while at the happiest place on earth. That poor kid will be scarred for life. Thanks Dad.
–US apologizes to Pakistan for drone strike: Wait, wait, wait a second. Have they apologized for the whole Bin Laden fiasco? Me thinks not. When did we lose our cajones America? We are such politically correct lame-asses nowadays. “Well Pakistan, I know that you secretly hate us, hid our number one enemy, and will turn on us the second that someone (ahem Iran) offers you a sweeter deal, but man, we are sooooooooooo sorry we wiped out 24 whole people, whoopsy, our bad! Can we still sit with you at lunch??” I’m pretty sure that kid is called a sissy on the playground. Whatever, this topic makes me want to barf.
In summary, cheers to our non humans of the week for seriously flawed yet amusing decision making.